battling depression

159 days

2012-02-13T10:42:00.001-06:00

So what's next? I can't go back to the counselor. He's made that clear. Or correction, my interpretation of what he said makes me believe he was very clear about not coming back. If I went back, and still struggle with talking, I'm afraid that he would kick me out for good. And I can't talk there anyways. Not about what I want to. Not about what I need to. And honestly, I'm not looking for someone to try to change my mind anyways. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for even. Maybe someone to accept me even though I'm not strong enough to do something that most other people take for granted. Maybe someone to know so I don't feel alone. Maybe acceptance - and maybe I don't deserve all those things.

I've struggled with these thoughts for too long. And you know, everyone figures since I have struggled with them for so long and haven't done anything yet, it means automatically I won't. That's where I'm at. No one believes how violent the struggle inside me is. How much strength and energy I have to put in just getting through every day alive. Or maybe no one cares. If I would have to hazard a guess, I'm betting no one cares. If I died today, how many would care that I wouldn't be here tomorrow. Actually, the correct question is who would notice. I go for days, weeks, months on end with no one checking on me. No one would really know that I was gone until they would have forgotten who I am. And maybe that makes things easier. No one to be upset. I don't even have to have a funeral. I don't want anyone to remember the failure I've become. I die as I have lived. Alone. I guess I should be happy with that.

I realized the other day my depressed self is 21 years old. My depressed self is old enough to drink now. Isn't that weird that I keep up with that? 21 years is too long. And I'm kind of too the point where I don't know what to do about that. Or rather, am afraid of what to do about that. 159 days... just have to make it until then.

The counseling appointment...

2012-01-28T21:29:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough couple of days. The counseling appointment Thursday night was rough. Really rough. The counselor I saw was one I've seen off and on for six years now. He started off as hubby and my counselor and has been my individual counselor also. This was supposed to be hubby and me going to counseling, but since hubby decided to chicken out, it ended up being just me. So the counselor was pissed to begin with. Maybe a phone call saying it would just be me would have been helpful, but I'm not so sure.

So we talked about and the situation at Christmas for a while. Never got to my issues with my little sister. I would say that will come next time, but apparently there isn't going to be a next time...

So counselor gave me some tips for husband and my relationship... date night, etc. Then I tried to talk about my depression. Apparently he believes that my mood has been an issue since I've been going there (it has), that I don't really cooperate/talk during therapy (granted, I would suppose that is also true), and therefore don't want to get better (again, busted). He suggested a female counselor... Well I'm not starting over, and it's hard for me to talk to anyone. I told him I didn't want to live. That was another bad mistake. He told me he wasn't taking the bait, wuhuh?... Apparently I've been saying that since he's known me also, and haven't done anything... I just need to make a decision (which is tempting). So that about wrapped up the counseling session. I asked if I could have another appointment, and no... I'm supposed to call him back when I will actually talk. And I walked out. Here comes the decision...

I'm still wanting to kill myself this summer. LIfe insurance will be paid through for two years so they will pay out for my death. Don't see a reason for staying alive too much past that. Did I tell the counselor that - no, I'm sure he'll figure that out soon enough this summer. So if I'm not going to live, should I fight with the counselor and actually try to save myself, or should I just give up. It was hard enough for me to call the first time to set up the appointment, had to call a second time because he lost my phone number. I am not going to call a third time. I don't think at least.

I guess it's an argument as to whether or not I want to save myself. If I want to keep on keeping on... call him. If not, then status quo. Why is this decision so hard? Most people would say I'm crazy for even considering killing myself. And well my counselor apparently doesn't think I will.

I know my counselor's reason for doing what he did... I had another counselor do it to me before (though not as harsh). The question is do I want to play the game? Do I want to fight for my life? Or do I want to go quietly, alone?

counseling tonight

2012-01-26T12:00:00.001-06:00

Today I start back to counseling. Let me back track and go over why I am going to counseling. Around Christmas my husband and sister got into it. He didn't approve of her boyfriend, so he confronted her about it. Well that didn't go good, and she ended up crying hysterically and I took up for her. My husband got ticked, and so we left my parent's to go home early. Well, on the way home, he brought up that he wanted a divorce. Why... well we don't like to do the same things... I don't love him... we don't spend much time together. After I reassured him that I love him and enjoy doing things together with him, he kept insisting on divorce. With that, I asked him what the real reason for wanting a divorce was... was he wanting to try to be with someone else. Which pissed him off even more. So I told him if he wanted a divorce he had to go to marital counseling with me. So he agreed. Well two weeks later I was still trying to contact counselors and get an appointment set up. He got on to me again... saying he wanted a divorce and I wasn't doing enough to get a counselor. So I started calling counselor again, and got an appointment. Well now that an appointment was set up he doesn't want to go. I'm the one with the probelm after all, right. And I should be able to talk to him about everything. So since I'm not talking to him about everything and wanting to go to a counsleor, I'm a horrible person. I'm supposed to talk to him about stuff. I know he is going through so much at work, and I don't want to bother him. Plus I don't want my depression to be compared to his. He keeps saying he wishes I would talk to him more. I wish I could talk to anyone more. It's always been a weakness.

So I'm going to my appointment. Alone. And scared. And no idea how much to tell the counselor. How much can I tell the counselor and not be hospitalized? Everything is so overwhelming right now. I have no idea even where to start when the counselor asks tonight how I'm doing... or even why I'm there. I'm depressed. Deeply. And right now, I have no idea whether I even want help to get better. I want help to take the edge off for the next 6 or 7 months. Until I can actually do "something" about the feelings.

I'm highly considering making this my first appointment back ... and the last one. If my going to a counselor causes my husband so much grief and upsets him so much, it isn't worth it to me. It isn't worth it to make him feel bad about yet another thing. Especially when ultimately the outcome will be the same. The only difference is that at least the last couple of months won't be as stressing. I honestly feel in a catch-22... damned if I do... damned if I don't... and still depressed.

No hope...

2012-01-21T23:15:00.001-06:00

Another day wondering what the point is. I guess it comes down to the fact that with every day that passes, more and more I am convinced that I don't really want to continue life. I see no point in continuing on. I don't think my husband will care. He wants a divorce anyways; and as he is my sole beneficiary he probably is ok with my death. I wish I could give him a kid first, but I am not sure I can tolerate living that much longer. A part of me keeps looking for jobs, keeps trying to go on. Another part of me says I don't want to go on and therefore I don't want to switch jobs where I would have to start my two year count down over again with the switch in life insurance. I don't want to have to wait another two years to be able to kill myself. I know that sounds like a lame reason to stay with a job I hate, with horrible pay, but it's all I know to do right now.

I start counseling again on Thursday. It is supposed to be marriage counseling but haven't gotten the nerve to tell my husband about it. I'm afraid of another argument. I don't know how counseling will help even. I've made up my mind about what I want to do. I want to die. Do I really want to tell another human being face to face that I don't want to go on living? I don't want to see the look on the face. I don't want to see that they think I'm stupid and crazy. I trust the counselor a lot, just not enough to tell him how definitive I feel about this. That leaves me to be able to talk to a priest, maybe. I just want someone to know, and to still accept me. I know that sounds stupid. Understanding right now is worth more to me than anything. I am back to the point where I just want someone to hold me while I cry. Someone to tell me they love me, even though I know they will be lying. God, I'm lame. I'm scared.

Vacation–Colorado Leg

2011-08-08T21:13:00.001-05:00

This year our vacation was a long one- ended up taking seven days off of work to go (consequently, I don’t want to go back to work). We went to Cuchara, CO and then back over to Kansas. We went over with my husband’s family which is always a treat. Colorado was fun- I was afraid though that I wouldn’t be able to go up too high because of altitude sickness but didn’t have any issues with that. I couldn’t breathe very easily so any type of strenuous activity meant I had to take it easy and go slow. So walking up the mountains was hard but walking back down was very easy.

We loved seeing all the wildlife. I got to see mule deer up close, pronghorn deer, and a variety of birds. We were disappointed that we didn’t get to see any bear in the wild- but that just means we have to go back someday and try to track one down. There were several birds I’d never seen before that I got to see over there – a magpie for one. Yes, I know those are nuisance birds, but still I had never seen one in person in the wild. There were humming bird feeders there so we could watch the hummingbirds hang out and play. There was one that spent his day watching the other hummingbirds and chasing them away when they got too close to the feeder.

It was very cool in Colorado and rained nearly every day. Jeans were definitely in order there. The cabin we stayed in was comfortable. It had 4 different beds plus several pull out sofas. Two full and one half bath so that was pretty cool. It didn’t have an air conditioner, but you didn’t really need one up there.

Even though I had problems breathing, we were still able to go on several hikes together. I had an overall awesome time hanging out with family

Colorado Trip 2011

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Vacation–Kansas leg

2011-08-08T20:51:00.001-05:00

After the Colorado part of the trip we came back over to Kansas. No steep mountain trails to hike- which is probably a good thing because it has been HOT. We’ve been hanging out with my husband’s family just relaxing from the Colorado trip and from work in general. We’ve done our fair share of fishing and card playing and movie watching. Oh yeah, and eating.

Had a storm roll in while we were here. The storms are cool to watch because you can see them so far away and watch them come in. Brought a little more than half an inch to an area that needs more like three to four inches at least to get everything going again. At first it was a bunch of lightning and no rain. Lightning hit a field and started a big fire fast. Then the rain came and put the fire out. Still scared me though as we have had to evacuate our house before because of a fire when I was growing up.

And, I know everyone will think I’m crazy, but I got to line dry my clothes. Can’t do that at home… so I get sweet smelling Kansas sun and wind dried clothes to wear for a while.

Kansas, 2011

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Have you ever…

2011-08-08T02:09:00.001-05:00

Have you ever though about dying? Like what it’s like to go through the process of actually dying and then crossing over. Is there a God, and how will I be judged? I’ve always maintained that I don’t know that but that I just got to live my life the best I can.

There are several things that I want to do before dying though. I want to lose weight. So I’ve decided to go on a diet aggressively to try to lose weight so I don’t be fat when I die. I know a stupid concern but still one that concerns me. I only have less than a year to live. Well I only want to live less than a year but don’t know if that is going to be possible.

I also want to read the Bible. And I know a lot of you think that maybe by doing that I will realize the “mistake” of my ways and decide not to go through with it. But I want this to happen. I want to die; the pain is too much to go on.

I would like to give my husband a baby. A child of his very own. That means I need to do it soon if I’m going to meet the deadline I set.

I want this to happen. I’m sure not many people will understand. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking for acceptance. I’m asking that people accept me for who I am. And that the depression is part of who I am. Sometimes the pain is hard. Ok most of the time the pain is hard. A lot of times I don’t really feel like going on to the next day, much less until the date I’ve set.

I am still considering going to a priest to talk or maybe a counselor. I want to talk to a priest because at least then I won’t be hospitalized. I can talk openly with a priest without fear of being hospitalized. I can’t necessarily do that with a counselor.

I can’t say that I’m not scared. I’m scared as hell. I can say though, that I am at peace. The inner pain is real and confusing and intense. I don’t think I have anyone I can really tell. I’m scared that someone will tell. And I want this to happen so much. Pretty soon I will start writing my good bye letters.

396 days

2011-06-21T21:07:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I go to work and pretend to be happy. It takes so much energy; energy I don’t have. I work on the house the spare time I have. I’m exhausted. Plain down right exhausted. I know my husband is too. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, and I’m not sure how to get back to a point where I can cope again. I can’t keep going down this path. I’m scared and feel completely alone. Like if tomorrow I died no one would care. I mean as long as bills are paid off, then what’s the point of me sticking around? And in less than 400 days insurance will pay for suicidal deaths. That’s the only thing that gets me through the day. In less than 400 days I can kill myself and my husband will be better off without me. He can use the money to pay for the house for all the debts. It will be a clean slate for him.

I don’t know where to turn. Or rather, I don’t know what the purpose in turning to anyone is. I mean if I tell someone they are only going to try to stop me. I see no point in that. Maybe the only help I am looking for right now is just how to make it to that magical date. How do I cope until I don’t have to anymore? The issue is I’m not sure I can ask a counselor that and not get hospitalized. And am afraid of being judged by a priest. My “friends” either don’t have time for me or are tired of “helping” me. Even my online friends seem tired of me. I know I have to accept this is the way things will have to be. I just don’t know if I have enough strength to do that right now. I just want everything to stop; and I don’t really care how. I want to wake up with no pain. I know that seems selfish, but I just can’t take this anymore.

430 days

2011-05-20T22:31:00.001-05:00

Another day shot; another day spent wishing I wasn’t alive. I wonder when I’m going to get used to this feeling. Of feeling like if one second from now I die, I would be grateful. The depression is so bad and now my blood pressure is struggling. I just want everything to vanish. I want the house to be finished. I want my boss to treat me with respect, of not having to feel like I’m either not there or always wrong. I’m just plain tired.

I’ve been giving a lot of thinking as to whether or not I want to start back to counseling. I want to talk to someone about the feelings, but am afraid that if I do, that I will be committed. That leaves me one choice, to go to a priest to talk to. Honestly, I don’t want to hear the truth from a religious stand point. I know what I would be told in that regard. Or hell, maybe I don’t know what I want. Maybe I’m just doing this for attention. I feel so lost and confused though. Like a dog that just got dropped off in new surroundings, though nothing is new. The feelings don’t make sense. And I guess that’s my point. I can’t describe what I’m feeling to the rest of the world so that others can say oh, I see your point, but your thinking is wrong because of this or that or whatever. I can’t even figure out how to convey to others what exactly I’m feeling, what exactly is wrong. All I know is something is wrong and I can’t keep going on like this. I am scared but in a way I’m not. In a weird sick way I am ok with what is going on. It means that if I ever get up the nerve, that one day the pain will end.

I have 430 days left until my life insurance will pay for death by suicide. The simple fact I know this sucks. It gives me hope during the dark days, though a lot of times I’m left wondering if I can make it that long. Hope that eventually the pain and suffering will be gone. That I will be at peace.

Some people at work were talking the other day about some pretty girl that had committed suicide; said they couldn’t understand it. You know what, I sure as heck can. I can understand the turmoil and pain that someone would feel that would make ending the feelings seem like a more reasonable choice than continuing on. I know that is messed up, and I guess I’m ok with knowing that I’m that horrible of a person. But you know what, no one would miss me. If I want until that check comes through, my husband wouldn’t mind having all that money. My parents and so called friends don’t keep up with me enough to know what is going on. No one ever emails me just to see how I’m doing. I literally could go months without calling or emailing or texting anyone and no one notice; no one would ask if I was ok, hell even if I was still alive. That is ok though. It makes the decisions I have to make that much easier to carry through. It means I won’t feel like I’m hurting someone or being selfish. It brings a certain eerie peace to everything.

Annual Review

2011-04-02T22:41:00.001-05:00

I had my annual review back at the beginning of March. I ended up getting a verbal warning for defending myself at my interim review. Basically I was told at my annual review that they could say anything they wanted about me, and couldn't defend myself. Defending myself means that I'm not promoting a happy workplace, so therefore, that's what I got written up for. Since it is a verbal warning, I get no copy of whatever my boss puts "unofficially" on file. Supposedly nothing goes on my personnel file. I know better, and know that they are lying. Quite honestly, I don't care.

Supposedly I complain to everyone here about my boss. Everyone here has complained about me that I'm causing a frustrating work environment. When I kept questioning the "everybody" part, my boss reneged, saying well except Farmer Joe and Bubba (names have been changed here). I'm thinking no one has complained except one, maybe two people. The main person being someone I trusted a lot. She apparently has been going around spreading lies about people. She talks bad about people. I don't know what to do about it. She and my boss are great buddies, and will believe her over me hands down. So I'm stuck. And quite frankly, I don't trust my boss not to be in on this.

I learned who my friends are over the last couple of months. One that I trusted and told her I trusted was the one that hurt the most. However, to her, being a jerk and the prospect of more money if I leave is too great.

There were things that were talked about in my annual review that was news to me. It's like wow, someone is making my life in to a great soap opera. Apparently I've been applying like mad to jobs ever since I got here in all that spare time I've had. You know, like in what little time I'm not working at work or working on "redecorating" my house, or cooking, or cleaning, or sleeping … whatever the heck that is. Nope, before the interim review, I had applied for two jobs, one at a promotion here, and one at a company I had wanted to get on with since I came to Nashville. So sounds like some one's little butt is lying. Big time. But how do I prove that? How do I prove that I'm not talking bad about my boss to everyone here? I don't. I leave. And count my blessings.

By the way, I'm not the only one this is happening to. One other person is having issues with this idiot lying about them. But there isn't anything she can do either. This girl is fairly "important" here and no one is going to touch her. I don't know what she's done to get on all the higher up's good side, but it's getting old. FAST.

As a state employee, I'm not sure where to go from here. HR isn't my friend. Already learned that. Luckily not the hard way. I feel trapped. Like there is no way out. The economy sucks so moving jobs isn't really looking good. I'm to the point where I just want to quit. I wish I could quit and pull unemployment. Maybe once we start getting tax help back, I can go ahead and leave without a job. But I hate doing that. I hate putting that pressure on my husband. We both want to quit. But we have no where to go.

House Update

2011-04-02T22:32:00.001-05:00

The house has been coming along. It's been a long process. I'm currently working on taxes, which is proving to be a bear. But we will get tons of money back, so I guess it's worth it. Money that will go to purchasing a new refrigerator (hopefully) and a flat panel nice television. I'd imagine we will buy a new sound system too. The cabinets need to be bought for the office. And any of the kitchen cabinets that haven't been paid off by then will be paid off by this money.

Drywall is up, mudded, taped, and sanded. Next came painting, which was actually fairly entertaining, and easy enough I could do it. We used some premium paint in some rooms. A green suede look for the office. The columns are done in this gritty sparkly brown and blue paint. The rest of the rooms are fairly plain. One of the rooms is blue and will likely end up with chair rail (even though I'm not too excited about having chair rail in that room). The dining room is two toned, with chair rail being in the middle. The bathroom is purple, laundry room is blue. The rest of the house is a creamy color. It looked really light until we got the crown moulding up. With the crown up it looks much darker. The crown was much harder than I thought it would be and my husband is still putting the touch up coat on all of it. But at least we are through with the downstairs and upstair halls. We will eventually put it in the bedrooms, but not now. Too much else to do.

Our kitchen is starting to come together. So far we have our kitchen cabinets installed, our counters installed, the sink, cooktop and oven in. The dishwasher isn't installed yet and won't be installed until we get the floor in. The cooktop is induction, and fairly awesome. It can boil water in no time, which is really nice over the standard electric.

So still left to do, put down the tile in the front entry way, bathroom, and laundry room. Finish painting the crown moulding. Put in thebathroom vanity, and hook up all the plumbing in the downstairs bathroom. Put in wood flooring. Put in doors. Put in base molding. Do electric. Get inspection. Finish garage. Put in cabinets in office, and if need counters. Find furniture. Lots to do, not much time to do it in. grrrr….

And then my dear husband is wanting to move. I understand. I hate it here too. But I'm starting to really love my house. I just want to stay in it long enough to enjoy it a little. I'm exhausted and want to rest before I have to worry about moving. I'm overwhelmed. At work. At home. Everywhere. When finances straighten out a bit, I'm going back to counseling. This is just too much for me.

486 Days…

2011-03-23T22:51:00.001-05:00

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to die? To actually go through whatever pain actually leads to your death. And the life after death? I think about it a lot. I wonder what way I can die and it not hurt a lot... or even what way I can die, and it torture me, like I think I deserve to be.

It's just about the only thing I think about. I'm starting to make plans. How I will die. Who I will say good bye to. If I will say good bye to anyone.

It's been made very apparent to me, especially by people at work, that no one wants me around. Everyone is close, as someone told me. So anytime I confide in anyone it will get back to my boss. So basically, I'm the outsider. And I have no hope of being one of the "in" group. I'm a horrible person. I'm not popular. I'm alone. I get it. Honestly, I just want to do my work and not have to deal with anyone anymore. I don't want to have to worry about whether everyone likes (or hates) me. And I sure as hell don't want to trust anyone anymore. No one.

I've given serious consideration to going back to my counselor. But I don't want to be "helped". I don't want to be convinced otherwise. I want someone who will support me with this decision. Someone that will understand that I've been living in hell for over 20 years. That the pain is too much to bear. That I'm physically and mentally tired of living. That will not treat me as someone who is going to get better, but help me through the end of my life. I'm still tempted to talk to a priest. A part of me is afraid I'm not going to be accepted at Church either. Or that the priest will report me. I don't want to be hospitalized. I sure as hell don't want to be "saved".

It's becoming more and more apparent though. I'm not going to get another job. My death will get my husband the pay off if I stay at the state long enough. I'd prefer to not have to start over again at another company. To go through the two year wait. Right now I have 486 days left. That's just under a year and a half. My husband's sixth wedding anniversary will give him the ability to move more easily. Besides that, nothing will change. I'm just a ghost filling a body for a time. I'm scared. But I think I am more afraid if I don't go through with this

521 days left

2011-02-16T18:56:00.001-06:00

My days are getting gloomier and darker. But no one seems to care. It seems more and more apparent people would rather see me die than to see me alive. I'm trying to accept this; as this has been something I've wanted most of my life anyway. But most of my life, I always had a glimpse that maybe I could convince myself that most people I met were ok with me, and maybe would want me to be around. Even though my heart couldn't comprehend it, on some level I could convince my brain. Not anymore. Sure there are my husband and dog. That's about it. So, that means more people want to see me dead than alive.

I got to thinking this morning. I've been depressed since I was 11. I'm now 20 years older. That's 65% of my life that I've spent depressed AND, more specifically, wanting to die. It's hard to comprehend, but that's how I feel. No counselor has ever been able to convince me otherwise. I keep trudging along, depsite the fact that I REALLY don't want to. Somehow it has always been more convenient to accept status quo than to change. I'm starting to doubt that. I'm not sure a counselor can convince me otherwise. I've thought about going back and talking to my counselor, but I honestly don't see a point. I don't think it would help anymore; it just would cost more money I don't have. I don't think he would tell me anymore than what anyone else has told me in the past.

I give up. I truly do. I have to make it 521 more days at this job before my life insurance will pay out to my husband. The horrible thing... I keep a widget on my phone reminding me how many more days I have until the pain will be over. The pain is so great. It's not just emotional; it's everything I feel. It seems to go to the very core of my heart. All that I am. 521 more days. That's it. I hope.

Work issues and family plans

2011-02-14T18:56:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm finding that the fewer people that talk to me the more work I get in. Isn't that great!? They get to talk and play and do nothing while I work my ass off. Such is the state way. The people who do the work get in trouble while the people who goof off all day get rewarded.

I'm applying to other jobs, but the picken's are slim. Hopefully I won't have to be here too much longer, but who knows whether or not I'll get to leave soon. I've submitted my job application to quite a few places now, and no one has called me. I've just got to be patient. Or so I tell myself. I would much rather move; move away from here, away from this hell. It would be hard for both me and my husband to find another job though in a different city, plus sale our house. So both of us trudge on, unhappy with the situation but not hopeful of a change.

I went in to see my doctor about a week ago. Ended up with a blood pressure of 134/92. Way high for my usual low blood pressure. I have been able to feel my blood pressure spike with dizziness and sometimes it's hard to see because of it. This job is going to kill me. That's the only way I know how to put it. She told me not to stop my birth control. I was wanting to start a family; and now that has been put on hold because of my job. It's not like anyone here cares. If I were to die, it only means one less person between them and a raise. I work my butt off, and this is the kind of thanks I get. But what do I expect. At least in consulting they want the good workers. They want someone who will work their butt off for them. I guess I knew what I was getting in to when I started here. Just wish that it wasn't the cause of my having to put my family dreams on hold.

Idiot Boss

2011-01-29T01:01:00.001-06:00

I work my ass off at work. The more I work, the more work I get. I get work because others can’t multi-task. Or because I’m more competent. So because I have a strong work ethic, I get more work. Now my getting more work also means that the consultant that the state is paying tons more than me is getting hardly any. If I’m going to bust my butt I might as well get consultant pay for it.

I got my review back today. My boss is a moron. I’m convinced that she absolutely has no leadership skills. And the sucky thing is that she is supposed to be the new leader, well whenever she passes the PE test. You know, the same test she has taken AND failed like seven times. She claims she fails it because she is a girl. Apparently since I passed it on the first time, that makes me ???

I must complete tasks at my own workstation. I can’t go in to any other person’s cube. Ok. I’ll bite. So I can’t go ask someone a question in their cube but she can sit and flirt with the guy consultants all day. What do I expect for state government? It also means, though, I won’t take work home with me. So if stuff doesn’t get done, well, it just doesn’t get done.

Oh, hmmm… let’s see what else did the brilliant ass hole have to say?

I can’t “answer-fish”. Meaning I can’t get differing viewpoints and consider them in doing my work. Sounds like something a kindergarten teacher would say. Quite frankly, if everyone doing the exact same job were more consistent in how they did their job than when I ask one person a question, two others wouldn’t chime in that’s not how they were taught.

I’m not supposed to use engineering terms, like gore. You know the areas you aren’t supposed to drive on that are yellow lined on the interstate. Lots of time by places like interstate ramps. My mom explained it to me when I was like 10, using the term “gore”. My driver’s ed teacher explained it to me. My boss has no clue what it is. I’m not supposed to use those common knowledge “engineering” terms anymore. I wonder if bridge counts as an engineering term.

Oh yea, if I have issues with calls she makes, I’m supposed to take it up with her. Meaning I’ve just lost every friend I have up there. Which quite frankly, I’m thinking is a good thing. However, it is not good to question her call that she isn’t going to do anything labeled “emergency” because she claims that there are too many emergencies. And well if the roadway fails while she is taking three times as long to do something, well then it fails. Oh well. I mean what do they know… ya know the people who designed it… they just have engineering licenses and specialize in stuff like that.

My question: what kind of review does she give the consultant who makes way more than me who has a quarter of the workload? Probably good.

I’m just slightly annoyed. I go out of my way to make her look good and she treats me like shit. No more.

Made Some Hard Decisions

2011-01-29T00:04:00.001-06:00

I’ve picked the date. I’ve struggled with this for a long time. And I know I’m doing the right thing this time.

I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides. That’s $300,000 my husband could use. Alive, I am worth nothing to no one. Literally no one cares whether I’m alive. Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy. I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him. The money from my death.

If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth. If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best. I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills. And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways.

My original suicide plan from college remains the same. Starvation. I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now.

A year and a half … that’s a lot of time. I wish it were here now though. But I have to wait for my husband’s sake. If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago. But, alas, I didn’t. And now I’m miserable for another year and a half. This is it though, the final date. I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months. I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say.

I’ve thought about going back to a counselor. Most seem frustrated with me. I’m not easily “fixed”. People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it. And I’m not easily comforted. I cry alone. I am alone. And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me. I really want it this time. I’m sorry for being weak.

HVAC

2011-01-28T23:05:00.002-06:00

We got our HVAC system signed off by one of the companies here in Nashville. It was funny, they came out. They told my husband we really needed to change out the gas valve. My husband told him we'd already done that. So he told my husband we had to change out the pressure valve. Done that too. And the circuit board. Yup done that. He looks at my husband, well how much did you pay for the circuit board. Oh, about $90. Apparently the company charges $600 for that circuit board. For a $90 part (that they can probably get cheaper) and for about 15 minutes worth of time (and a little time to get there and back). That's $500 in labor alone. For at most, let's say communte time, diagnosis time about three hours worth of work. That's nearly $170/hr. That's more than my engineering boss would charge for my services as an engineer by nearly double. So I go get my MS in engineering, get my license, and an HVAC tech is worth more than me per hour. I think I went in to the wrong field.

It's frustrating. Seems like everyone does that. For a somewhat skilled laborer, they get tons of money per hour. I work my butt off to go through engineering school and get my license (which takes passing two fairly hard tests, by the way) and someone with a tech degree doubles my pay rate. I must be doing something wrong.

But, I guess, at least we passed. The guy signed off. We paid him $200 for 30 minutes worth of work and no parts used. Looked it over. Yup, everything is running correctly. Yup, we know. We just need someone with a tech degree in something we have a MS degree in to tell us what we already know. Thank you... good-bye.

Cabinets

2011-01-28T23:04:00.002-06:00

The cabinets have been installed! It took the installer four days and lots of grumbles but they are through! We had issues with him, like he didn't even show up with plans of what everything was supposed to look like. We had to give him overall floor plans of the kitchen telling what cabinet goes where and then a brochure on the types of stacked molding for the molding on top of our cabinetry. Whenever we told him to do something, he did it his way. One of our cabinets was supposed to be recessed in the wall, but he made it even with the other cabinets. Likely, because it made putting on the crown way easier. One of our cabinets was also supposed to be moved over an inch to allow more room for a vent. But, of course he didn't do that, so now the shoe molding butts up against the vent cover. When we asked him to drill holes in certain places, he didn't do that right. We ended up having electrical in our cabinets running through the toe kick instead of straight up through the cabinet. The guy didn't get there until 10-1 every day, and then complained that he had to come out there for a fourth day. He would call us up at 10:20 in the morning, tell us he is 40 minutes away and then show up at 1. So, we are glad that is through with, and won't be going back there for cabinetry when we put in cabinets in our office.

The granite guy came out yesterday to do the templating for the granite. We go out on Thursday to pick out our granite slab and then they have 21 days from that day to install it. Hopefully it will be sooner. We have a few more things to do before we are ready for the countertops like put bead board in one of the cabinets, do some electrical work, drill some holes through one of the cabinets for the dishwasher connections. But then we get our countertops. That will be awesome to have a sink back functioning; and a cooktop. I'm excited.

Another lonely Christmas

2010-12-21T18:41:00.001-06:00

It's Christmas time, but I don't really feel like I'm in a Christmas mood. I work and work and I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels here, at home, everywhere. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I'm just plain miserable. I've always felt this way, no matter where I go, but this place especially. I'm at a lower level than what I'm used to, so therefore that's a freebie for people to treat me like crap. And why the heck not? It's not like I'm important to anyone. I'm not here for a while; heck just reassign myself. I doubt whether anyone would even notice.

I'm feeling really down again. I want to die so badly; and I know no one would care. Well except when bills come due every month. I feel like no one listens Ito me. I say something, and people just ignore it. I'm to the point now where no matter how much I want to comment on something; it's just easier if I not say anything at all. Even if people do listen to me, it's just long enough to tell me whatever I just said was wrong. Now, if someone else brought up the same thing again, by all means they are brilliant, and I'm still stupid. I feel caught; like I'm just here taking up space and air. I'm invisible. And I hurt.

Polite people might ask me how I'm doing. I might say ok. But I'm not. What am I supposed to say; life sucks and I want to die? I think telling the truth in this case isn't going to help me any, and only make me feel worse in the long run. Just nod and smile and pretend everything is ok. That's what "normal" people do, right? I guess I'll be ok with just being normal for once.

I've thought about going back to counseling, but again, what am I supposed to do, argue with the counselor about whether or not life is worth living. Why is it that I want to die, so that makes me insane, totally stupid, "crazy". When a cancer patient wants to die, oh well people understand that. They are in pain. And the struggles I go through don't constitute pain. I'm just some weird person who can't be happy right.

I've started a countdown until I can kill myself. Isn't that horrible? I guess I can kill myself any time, five minutes from now, five decades from now. I'm wanting life insurance to help out my husband though; that way he can lead a comfortable life without having to have me alive. At least my life, and therfore death, will have served some purpose; providing for my husband.

I've learned something lately. Seems like the less I try to interact with people, the better I feel. Yes, I'm very lonely. And I long for someone just to comfort me while I cry. But I don't have to worry about whether or not someone will think I'm crazy. Or make fun of me. Or worse yet, betray me. So I go on, alone, afraid, but on some level "safe". Go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.

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Surviving my birthday

2010-11-15T21:20:00.001-06:00

So I survived my birthday, even though I didn't really want to. And most of the time I perk up after my birthday, well not this year. I'm no more happier to be alive today than I was yesterday or November 9th. I don't have any faith that things will get better. And I no longer really give a damn whether or not my death occurs on my birthday or some other random day. I wish there was something someone could say to me to make me snap out of whatever is bothering me. I just haven't found it yet. I sit here alone and think would someone really care whether or not I make it to tomorrow? Why is suicide so bad? I mean it is my life right? I know what I do effects others, but who said I wanted to be brought in to this world anyway? I look at all those who are happy to be here and wonder why I'm not. What is it that they understand that I don't? I just don't get why everyone is so happy to be alive. What's so great about this? About not wanting to wake up every morning? What's so great? Is it great that I feel like shit everyday? I just don't know anymore. I have too much on my mind between the house, and my sister, and now my mom. I feel overwhelmed. If I killed myself than no one would have to worry about me anymore, not like they were worrying before, but you get the picture. Life would go on without me, much as it did when I was here. And I would be at peace. So why is this such a bad thing? Why is finally putting the pain behind me a bad thing for me to want? I know people will say I don't have to die to have the pain go away, but seriously I've tried it all before. I've tried putting the past behind me. I've tried the medicines. I've tried getting better. For some reason, I'm just stupid at that. And so, I go on, wishing, hoping, begging to die. But continuing on.

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My mom got fired

2010-11-15T21:08:00.001-06:00

The short story: So this is what working at the state will get you. Fired. If your boss doesn't like you, you don't have much of a chance. If you did your job and told on your boss (then your coworker) then you get fired. And there's not a danged thing HR will do to help you. You work your ass off; while your coworker (now boss) goofs off. He gets promoted, you lose your job. And HR claims they can't help you because you aren't protected under civil service. So it's ok for HR to break the law within the first six months of your employment, just not at any point thereafter.

The long drawn out story (well not so long or drawn out, just wanted to call it that): My mom used to work at a treatment facility for youth. Baby prison for youngsters. You know the ones that beat the crap out of white folk because they are white, and see no issue with that. Or the ones that steal stuff. Or the ones that try to kill others. You know just the ordinary, not so bad things. It was going to be closed, because, well it housed around 20-35 girls and cost tons to keep open. They had sent everyone home with pink slips and then found out that the facility was going to stay open after all. So they did a mass hiring. One position they never could get any one qualified in to was that of principal. My mom worked with about four other teachers there. One of them had been "let go" of three other school systems. So of course he was able to get a job at this treatment center for impressionable young folk quite easy. We are in TN of course. He was forever getting in to trouble. Seems he liked to bribe the young folk into liking him with things like candy (contraband - a big no-no), Facebook time, etc. My mom reported him a few times for the candy and for the Facebook time (did I mention he was in his room alone with these two girls that were supposed to be in her room?). He seemed to be in more trouble than the kids were.

Well guess, what, here in TN not only do we hire folks that have been let go in three other jobs into a position at a treatment facility for youth, but by God, we promote their butts. So he was promoted to head teacher since they couldn't get a principal out there. His first order of business: fire the folks who actually thought he was supposed to do his job. Because, here in TN we only know how to promote those who don't do their job. So within the first week he had fired my mom (apparently people can get paperwork processed pretty quickly here at the state after all). He also moved around (and fired) security guards who wanted him to do his job correctly. So at least she wasn't alone. There should be a support group for those who have been slighted by the grand headmaster at that treatment facility.

You want to know what really irks me? These kids are at the facility because they have no concept of right and wrong. It's the step before big kid's prison. They are impressionable. And we pay good tax money to keep a facility that is supposed to teach them right from wrong open. We trust the state to actually hire competent people into positions. We trust them to do the right thing. We trust too blindly. The people who fought to keep it open don't give a rat's behind about the progress of it. Now that we are spending tons of money to keep it going when the economy is bad and the money is needed more in other places, we're just going to let the place to go to heck. Because state workers can't and won't do anything like work.

So now the kids are going to think that it's ok to go to someplace just as good as home and hang out. I mean with all the perks, what's the point in being good? What's the point in working your fingers to the bone when the rewards for not doing anything or being a heathen are better? That's something we got to face as a society. The times when people are entitled to this or that have to come to an end. People need to start working hard - everyone. No more claiming complete disability for a bum knee but go out running every morning. No more having 3 kids by the time you are 14 just to get the welfare money so you can feed your drug addiction. I looked at my husband the other day and was like why are we working our butts in to the ground when so many people who do so much less than us are getting money from the government to do nothing? No not everyone on welfare or whatever are out to the cheat the system. Some on disability really do need it. It seems though that the folks that really do need it are not getting what they need whereas the folks who don't need it are getting plenty.

So the moral of today's story: working your butt off pays none.

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My birthday….

2010-11-02T23:29:00.001-05:00

Another day lived; another day I want to die. My birthday is in let's see about a week. I don't want to go through with it. Literally. It's always been really hard for me to get through my birthday. I've always wanted to kill myself on my birthday. I know. Morbid. I have tons to live for. Blah. Blah. Blah. I've heard it all. AND I don't believe it. I don't believe anyone would be upset if I didn't show up to work tomorrow. I don't believe anyone would be upset if I didn't wake up tomorrow. I know people think I'm crazy for believing that, but quite simply, I do. I have no doubt in my mind I'm right about it. Basically no one depends on me to get anything done. No one gives a shit about me. It's a scary place to be. Left wondering what the point of going on is. Constantly crying myself to sleep. Making sure my husband doesn't notice me crying. I don't want questions. I don't want to be yelled at. I've given up on counseling. Even if my mom and sister weren't living with us, I don't think I would rely on counseling anymore . Counseling or medications weren't helping before, why should I think they would help now. I honestly have no reason to live until tomorrow. I think right now the only reason why I don't is because my husband needs my paycheck to help with remodeling the house. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be alive right now. The funny, and scary part, is that I find the place I'm in right now peaceful. I find the close to the edge feeling so peaceful, like I'm ok with this. A small part of me is scared, wondering what's next. But mostly, I just don't care. I have got to take the chance to end the pain. I know I'm selfish. I'm a horrible person. You don't have to tell me that. I already KNOW that. I literally can't live with myself. I see no reason why anyone would want to be around me. I'm alone. And so very scared. Scared of living with the feelings for the rest of my life like this. I once had a friend tell me I needed to make a decision - either live or kill myself- and then stick with it. My decision now would be the same as it was then, and that is to kill myself. I wonder how many people would feel guilty that they didn't reach out to me. None likely. I wonder how many people would come to my funeral. None likely there either. I seriously want the pain to stop permanently. There is only one sure fire way to ensure that. Truth be told I think if life insurance would cover suicides right now then I would be dead. I have a big enough life insurance that if I died, Erik would be well taken care of. He could get the house fixed up, and just about paid off. The truck paid off, maybe some extra gun parts for him. I want this to happen. I have to keep coverage for a couple of years before they will pay off so I'm stuck here for now. Lonely afraid and hopeless.

I feel like cutting a lot again. But I'm afraid of being yelled at. I long for the release, for the satisfaction of being able to see something physical that hurts. Something to relate the emotional pain to. I know that makes no sense, but trust me, it helps in a sick twisted way.

No title today

2010-10-07T12:53:00.001-05:00

I'm scared. I sit here and wonder what the point is in living. Sometimes I think my whole purpose of being alive on Earth is just to be watched being tortured by some horrible person in charge of the whole world. No one cares if I live or die. No one cares if I show up to work tomorrow or hell if I wake up alive tomorrow. I want everything to stop so bad. I want life to stop.

I'm tired of being told things will get better - because they won't. Things will keep on just like they are. Forever. Or at least until I give up. Giving up would be nice. Pain stops. Life stops. But what happens if that isn't what happens? What happens if things get worse. I keep telling myself the intensity of the feelings will lessen but they haven't. Everything is so intense and I can't comprehend them being worse. I can't keep this up. I can't deal with the feelings. I can't deal with life anymore. I have to trust that death will stop everything.

I know I'm a no good wimp, but I can't do this anymore. The only purpose I seem to serve is being yelled at. I can screw up enough to get yelled at quite well. But when it comes down to it no one seems to really care whether or not I'm around. I matter to no one. No matter how much I try my presence matters none.

My birthday is coming up soon. I really don't want to live through it. I don't want to wake up alive on the next day. I want to die that day, preferably not by my own hands. It's one of the few things I've asked God that's for me. So far I'm still here. I'm still suffering. I've given up on wondering when/if life will get better. Now I just want to know when life will end.

I want to cut again. It's the closest thing to being able to die. The pain from the knife numbs me. It gives me something else to focus on. It punishes me for being so stupid as to not be able to beat the feelings myself. It gives me yet another thing to be yelled at for.

I'm scared and alone and want everything to end.

Way too stressed

2010-10-02T22:36:00.000-05:00

I’m exhausted. That’s an understatement. I get through the day, just barely. I wonder if the next day will be any easier to get through than the day I’m going through now. I know it won’t be. But I make it through anyways. It’s hard to concentrate. Hard to not cry. Hard to live.

My birthday is coming up soon. I will be 31. What do I have to show for my life? Not much. Right now I’m trying to rebuild my house that got flooded. No kids. No accomplishments. No nothing. I still am deeply depressed. I don’t know how – or better yet – why I go on to the next day. It’s a scary feeling wondering if the next day I will be alive for. But at the same rate, it is a peaceful feeling. I am at peace with dying. I know that might not make sense to some people; or downright scare them, but it is a peaceful feeling knowing that if things got so bad that I didn’t feel like I could make it through the day, that I have a way out.
The stress is starting to get to me. I have to be strong though. You know, I’m me, and “me” is supposed to be strong. No matter what I go through, I have to be very strong. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want someone to be there for me. I want someone to hold me when I cry and not judge. Maybe that is too hard of a request. I don’t want them to tell me everything is going to be ok, because, well, it’s not. Maybe that is too pessimistic of a viewpoint, but why should I be optimistic? What “proof” do I have that life will get better. Yeah, we will recover from this; the house will be done, everything paid off. But how do I know something worse isn’t going to come along?

All I want to do anymore is cry. Life is stressful. And hard. People tell me that God won’t give me more than I can handle. That’s hogwash. I can’t handle this. The flood. The feelings. The wanting to die. I can’t do it anymore. I wonder what God does to failures like me.

Am I Really Crazy?

2010-09-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

I question those that say they would care about whether or not they would care if I died. I see no good that I bring to the world. I'm tired of pretending that my presence matters to people. I'm tired of listening to people telling me a lie about it. If I died, it wouldn't really matter to anyone.

My mom came home the other day, well actually a couple of days now, saying that she had a girl threaten to kill herself or someone slit their wrist and that they were plain crazy. I wonder if she would think the same thing if she knew that was how I feel. Would her daughter be crazy too? I remember when I was younger how much pain I suffered in silence. I remember when she told me it was a miracle I had been through so much as a child and still was sane. I have never told her about the feelings, how much I struggle just to make it through the day alive. What do I have to gain from that anymore? I doubt whether or not she would care. Or maybe she would. Her little girl is crazy.

I think everyone thinks I'm crazy. I remember grad school how close I was to killing myself then. I remember the struggle, the constant struggle of trying to figure out if life was going to get better. The constant disappointment of finding out things weren't going to change. I can't keep doing that. I can't keep wondering if tomorrow is going to get better. I can't keep doing this.

These feelings used to scare the shit out of me. The fact that they don't so much anymore scares me at times; at others the feelings are peaceful. Just the possibility that the feelings will stop, no matter what the price, is comforting. Maybe not to anyone else, but to me it is.