It's been a rough couple of days. The counseling appointment Thursday night was rough. Really rough. The counselor I saw was one I've seen off and on for six years now. He started off as hubby and my counselor and has been my individual counselor also. This was supposed to be hubby and me going to counseling, but since hubby decided to chicken out, it ended up being just me. So the counselor was pissed to begin with. Maybe a phone call saying it would just be me would have been helpful, but I'm not so sure.
So we talked about and the situation at Christmas for a while. Never got to my issues with my little sister. I would say that will come next time, but apparently there isn't going to be a next time...
So counselor gave me some tips for husband and my relationship... date night, etc. Then I tried to talk about my depression. Apparently he believes that my mood has been an issue since I've been going there (it has), that I don't really cooperate/talk during therapy (granted, I would suppose that is also true), and therefore don't want to get better (again, busted). He suggested a female counselor... Well I'm not starting over, and it's hard for me to talk to anyone. I told him I didn't want to live. That was another bad mistake. He told me he wasn't taking the bait, wuhuh?... Apparently I've been saying that since he's known me also, and haven't done anything... I just need to make a decision (which is tempting). So that about wrapped up the counseling session. I asked if I could have another appointment, and no... I'm supposed to call him back when I will actually talk. And I walked out. Here comes the decision...
I'm still wanting to kill myself this summer. LIfe insurance will be paid through for two years so they will pay out for my death. Don't see a reason for staying alive too much past that. Did I tell the counselor that - no, I'm sure he'll figure that out soon enough this summer. So if I'm not going to live, should I fight with the counselor and actually try to save myself, or should I just give up. It was hard enough for me to call the first time to set up the appointment, had to call a second time because he lost my phone number. I am not going to call a third time. I don't think at least.
I guess it's an argument as to whether or not I want to save myself. If I want to keep on keeping on... call him. If not, then status quo. Why is this decision so hard? Most people would say I'm crazy for even considering killing myself. And well my counselor apparently doesn't think I will.
I know my counselor's reason for doing what he did... I had another counselor do it to me before (though not as harsh). The question is do I want to play the game? Do I want to fight for my life? Or do I want to go quietly, alone?
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