battling depression

Another day wondering what the point is.  I guess it comes down to the fact that with every day that passes, more and more I am convinced that I don't really want to continue life.  I see no point in continuing on.  I don't think my husband will care. He wants a divorce anyways; and as he is my sole beneficiary he probably is ok with my death.  I wish I could give him a kid first, but I am not sure I can tolerate living that much longer.  A part of me keeps looking for jobs, keeps trying to go on.  Another part of me says I don't want to go on and therefore I don't want to switch jobs where I would have to start my two year count down over again with the switch in life insurance.  I don't want to have to wait another two years to be able to kill myself.  I know that sounds like a lame reason to stay with a job I hate, with horrible pay, but it's all I know to do right now.

I start counseling again on Thursday.  It is supposed to be marriage counseling but haven't gotten the nerve to tell my husband about it.  I'm afraid of another argument.  I don't know how counseling will help even.  I've made up my mind about what I want to do. I want to die.  Do I really want to tell another human being face to face that I don't want to go on living?  I don't want to see the look on the face.  I don't want to see that they think I'm stupid  and crazy.  I trust the counselor a lot, just not enough to tell him how definitive I feel about this.       That leaves me to be able to talk to a priest, maybe.  I just want someone to know, and to still accept me.  I know that sounds stupid.  Understanding right now is worth more to me than anything.  I am back to the point where I just want someone to hold me while I cry.  Someone to tell me they love me, even though I know they will be lying.  God, I'm lame.  I'm scared.