Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I go to work and pretend to be happy. It takes so much energy; energy I don’t have. I work on the house the spare time I have. I’m exhausted. Plain down right exhausted. I know my husband is too. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, and I’m not sure how to get back to a point where I can cope again. I can’t keep going down this path. I’m scared and feel completely alone. Like if tomorrow I died no one would care. I mean as long as bills are paid off, then what’s the point of me sticking around? And in less than 400 days insurance will pay for suicidal deaths. That’s the only thing that gets me through the day. In less than 400 days I can kill myself and my husband will be better off without me. He can use the money to pay for the house for all the debts. It will be a clean slate for him.
I don’t know where to turn. Or rather, I don’t know what the purpose in turning to anyone is. I mean if I tell someone they are only going to try to stop me. I see no point in that. Maybe the only help I am looking for right now is just how to make it to that magical date. How do I cope until I don’t have to anymore? The issue is I’m not sure I can ask a counselor that and not get hospitalized. And am afraid of being judged by a priest. My “friends” either don’t have time for me or are tired of “helping” me. Even my online friends seem tired of me. I know I have to accept this is the way things will have to be. I just don’t know if I have enough strength to do that right now. I just want everything to stop; and I don’t really care how. I want to wake up with no pain. I know that seems selfish, but I just can’t take this anymore.
