battling depression

I had my annual review back at the beginning of March.  I ended up getting a verbal warning for defending myself at my interim review.  Basically I was told at my annual review that they could say anything they wanted about me, and couldn't defend myself.  Defending myself means that I'm not promoting a happy workplace, so therefore, that's what I got written up for.  Since it is a verbal warning, I get no copy of whatever my boss puts "unofficially" on file.  Supposedly nothing goes on my personnel file.  I know better, and know that they are lying.  Quite honestly, I don't care.

Supposedly I complain to everyone here about my boss.  Everyone here has complained about me that I'm  causing a frustrating work environment.  When I kept questioning the "everybody" part, my boss reneged, saying well except Farmer Joe and Bubba (names have been changed here).  I'm thinking no one has complained except one, maybe two people.  The main person being someone I trusted a lot.  She apparently has been going around spreading lies about people.  She talks bad about people.  I don't know what to do about it.  She and my boss are great buddies, and will believe her over me hands down.  So I'm stuck.  And quite frankly, I don't trust my boss not to be in on this. 

I learned who my friends are over the last couple of months.  One that I trusted and told her I trusted was the one that hurt the most.  However, to her, being a jerk and the prospect of more money if I leave is too great. 

There were things that were talked about in my annual review that was news to me.  It's like wow, someone is making my life in to a great soap opera.  Apparently I've been applying like mad to jobs ever since I got here in all that spare time I've had.  You know, like in what little time I'm not working at work or working on "redecorating" my house, or cooking, or cleaning, or sleeping … whatever the heck that is.  Nope, before the interim review, I had applied for two jobs, one at a promotion here, and one at a company I had wanted to get on with since I came to Nashville.  So sounds like some one's little butt is lying.  Big time.  But how do I prove that?  How do I prove that I'm not talking bad about my boss to everyone here?  I don't.  I leave.  And count my blessings.  

By the way, I'm not the only one this is happening to.  One other person is having issues with this idiot lying about them.  But there isn't anything she can do either.  This girl is fairly "important" here and no one is going to touch her.  I don't know what she's done to get on all the higher up's good side, but it's getting old.  FAST. 

As a state employee, I'm not sure where to go from here.  HR isn't my friend.  Already learned that.  Luckily not the hard way.  I feel trapped.  Like there is no way out.  The economy sucks so moving jobs isn't really looking good.  I'm to the point where I just want to quit.  I wish I could quit and pull unemployment.  Maybe once we start getting tax help back, I can go ahead and leave without a job.  But I hate doing that.  I hate putting that pressure on my husband.  We both want to quit.  But we have no where to go.  

The house has been coming along.  It's been a long process.  I'm currently working on taxes, which is proving to be a bear.  But we will get tons of money back, so I guess it's worth it.  Money that will go to purchasing a new refrigerator (hopefully) and a flat panel nice television. I'd imagine we will buy a new sound system too.  The cabinets need to be bought for the office.  And any of the kitchen cabinets that haven't been paid off by then will be paid off by this money. 

Drywall is up, mudded, taped, and sanded.  Next came painting, which was actually fairly entertaining, and easy enough I could do it.  We used some premium paint in some rooms.  A green suede look for the office.  The columns are done in this gritty sparkly brown and blue paint.  The rest of the rooms are fairly plain.  One of the rooms is blue and will likely end up with chair rail (even though I'm not too excited about having chair rail in that room).  The dining room is two toned, with chair rail being in the middle.  The bathroom is purple, laundry room is blue.  The rest of the house is a creamy color.  It looked really light until we got the crown moulding up.  With the crown up it looks much darker.  The crown was much harder than I thought it would be and my husband is still putting the touch up coat on all of it.   But at least we are through with the downstairs and upstair halls.  We will eventually put it in the bedrooms, but not now.  Too much else to do.

Our kitchen is starting to come together.  So far we have our kitchen cabinets installed, our counters installed, the sink, cooktop and oven in.  The dishwasher isn't installed yet and won't be installed until we get the floor in.  The cooktop is induction, and fairly awesome. It can boil water in no time, which is really nice over the standard electric.

So still left to do, put down the tile in the front entry way, bathroom, and laundry room.  Finish painting the crown moulding.  Put in thebathroom vanity, and hook up all the plumbing in the downstairs bathroom.  Put in wood flooring.  Put in doors.  Put in base molding.  Do electric.  Get inspection.  Finish garage.  Put in cabinets in office, and if need counters.  Find furniture.  Lots to do, not much time to do it in.  grrrr….

And then my dear husband is wanting to move.  I understand.  I hate it here too.  But I'm starting to really love my house.  I just want to stay in it long enough to enjoy it a little.  I'm exhausted and want to rest before I have to worry about moving.  I'm overwhelmed.  At work. At  home.  Everywhere.  When finances straighten out a bit, I'm going back to counseling.  This is just too much for me.