battling depression

My days are getting gloomier and darker. But no one seems to care. It seems more and more apparent people would rather see me die than to see me alive. I'm trying to accept this; as this has been something I've wanted most of my life anyway. But most of my life, I always had a glimpse that maybe I could convince myself that most people I met were ok with me, and maybe would want me to be around. Even though my heart couldn't comprehend it, on some level I could convince my brain. Not anymore. Sure there are my husband and dog. That's about it. So, that means more people want to see me dead than alive.

I got to thinking this morning. I've been depressed since I was 11. I'm now 20 years older. That's 65% of my life that I've spent depressed AND, more specifically, wanting to die. It's hard to comprehend, but that's how I feel. No counselor has ever been able to convince me otherwise. I keep trudging along, depsite the fact that I REALLY don't want to. Somehow it has always been more convenient to accept status quo than to change. I'm starting to doubt that. I'm not sure a counselor can convince me otherwise. I've thought about going back and talking to my counselor, but I honestly don't see a point. I don't think it would help anymore; it just would cost more money I don't have. I don't think he would tell me anymore than what anyone else has told me in the past.

I give up. I truly do. I have to make it 521 more days at this job before my life insurance will pay out to my husband. The horrible thing... I keep a widget on my phone reminding me how many more days I have until the pain will be over. The pain is so great. It's not just emotional; it's everything I feel. It seems to go to the very core of my heart. All that I am. 521 more days. That's it. I hope.

Well, I'm finding that the fewer people that talk to me the more work I get in. Isn't that great!? They get to talk and play and do nothing while I work my ass off. Such is the state way. The people who do the work get in trouble while the people who goof off all day get rewarded.

I'm applying to other jobs, but the picken's are slim. Hopefully I won't have to be here too much longer, but who knows whether or not I'll get to leave soon. I've submitted my job application to quite a few places now, and no one has called me. I've just got to be patient. Or so I tell myself. I would much rather move; move away from here, away from this hell. It would be hard for both me and my husband to find another job though in a different city, plus sale our house. So both of us trudge on, unhappy with the situation but not hopeful of a change.

I went in to see my doctor about a week ago. Ended up with a blood pressure of 134/92. Way high for my usual low blood pressure. I have been able to feel my blood pressure spike with dizziness and sometimes it's hard to see because of it. This job is going to kill me. That's the only way I know how to put it. She told me not to stop my birth control. I was wanting to start a family; and now that has been put on hold because of my job. It's not like anyone here cares. If I were to die, it only means one less person between them and a raise. I work my butt off, and this is the kind of thanks I get. But what do I expect. At least in consulting they want the good workers. They want someone who will work their butt off for them. I guess I knew what I was getting in to when I started here. Just wish that it wasn't the cause of my having to put my family dreams on hold.