battling depression

I work my ass off at work.  The more I work, the more work I get.  I get work because others can’t multi-task.  Or because I’m more competent.  So because I have a strong work ethic, I get more work.  Now my getting more work also means that the consultant that the state is paying tons more than me is getting hardly any.  If I’m going to bust my butt I might as well get consultant pay for it. 

I got my review back today.  My boss is a moron.  I’m convinced that she absolutely has no leadership skills.  And the sucky thing is that she is supposed to be the new leader, well whenever she passes the PE test.  You know, the same test she has taken AND failed like seven times.  She claims she fails it because she is a girl.  Apparently since I passed it on the first time, that makes me ??? 

I must complete tasks at my own workstation.  I can’t go in to any other person’s cube.  Ok.  I’ll bite.  So I can’t go ask someone a question in their cube but she can sit and flirt with the guy consultants all day.  What do I expect for state government?  It also means, though, I won’t take work home with me.  So if stuff doesn’t get done, well, it just doesn’t get done.

Oh, hmmm… let’s see what else did the brilliant ass hole have to say?

I can’t “answer-fish”.  Meaning I can’t get differing viewpoints and consider them in doing my work.  Sounds like something a kindergarten teacher would say.  Quite frankly, if everyone doing the exact same job were more consistent in how they did their job than when I ask one person a question, two others wouldn’t chime in that’s not how they were taught. 

I’m not supposed to use engineering terms, like gore.  You know the areas you aren’t supposed to drive on that are yellow lined on the interstate.  Lots of time by places like interstate ramps.  My mom explained it to me when I was like 10, using the term “gore”.  My driver’s ed teacher explained it to me.  My boss has no clue what it is.  I’m not supposed to use those common knowledge “engineering” terms anymore.  I wonder if bridge counts as an engineering term.

Oh yea, if I have issues with calls she makes, I’m supposed to take it up with her.  Meaning I’ve just lost every friend I have up there.  Which quite frankly, I’m thinking is a good thing.   However, it is not good to question her call that she isn’t going to do anything labeled “emergency” because she claims that there are too many emergencies.  And well if the roadway fails while she is taking three times as long to do something, well then it fails.  Oh well.  I mean what do they know… ya know the people who designed it…  they just have engineering licenses and specialize in stuff like that. 

My question:  what kind of review does she give the consultant who makes way more than me who has a quarter of the workload?  Probably good.

I’m just slightly annoyed.  I go out of my way to make her look good and she treats me like shit.  No more.

I’ve picked the date.  I’ve struggled with this for a long time.  And I know I’m doing the right thing this time. 

I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides.  That’s $300,000 my husband could use.  Alive, I am worth nothing to no one.  Literally no one cares whether I’m alive.  Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy.  I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him.  The money from my death. 

If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth.  If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best.  I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills.  And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways. 

My original suicide plan from college remains the same.  Starvation.  I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now. 

A year and a half … that’s a lot of time.  I wish it were here now though.  But I have to wait for my husband’s sake.  If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago.  But, alas, I didn’t.  And now I’m miserable for another year and a half.  This is it though, the final date.  I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months.  I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say. 

I’ve thought about going back to a counselor.  Most seem frustrated with me.  I’m not easily “fixed”.  People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it.  And I’m not easily comforted.  I cry alone.  I am alone.  And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me.  I really want it this time.  I’m sorry for being weak.