battling depression

Have you ever though about dying?  Like what it’s like to go through the process of actually dying and then crossing over.  Is there a God, and how will I be judged?  I’ve always maintained that I don’t know that but that I just got to live my life the best I can. 

There are several things that I want to do before dying though.  I want to lose weight.  So I’ve decided to go on a diet aggressively to try to lose weight so I don’t be fat when I die.  I know a stupid concern but still one that concerns me.  I only have less than a year to live.  Well I only want to live less than a year but don’t know if that is going to be possible.

I also want to read the Bible.  And I know a lot of you think that maybe by doing that I will realize the “mistake” of my ways and decide not to go through with it.  But I want this to happen.  I want to die; the pain is too much to go on. 

I would like to give my husband a baby.  A child of his very own.  That means I need to do it soon if I’m going to meet the deadline I set. 

I want this to happen.  I’m sure not many people will understand.  I’m not asking for that.  I’m asking for acceptance.  I’m asking that people accept me for who I am.  And that the depression is part of who I am.  Sometimes the pain is hard.  Ok most of the time the pain is hard.  A lot of times I don’t really feel like going on to the next day, much less until the date I’ve set.

I am still considering going to a priest to talk or maybe a counselor.  I want to talk to a priest because at least then I won’t be hospitalized.  I can talk openly with a priest without fear of being hospitalized.   I can’t necessarily do that with a counselor. 

I can’t say that I’m not scared.  I’m scared as hell.  I can say though, that I am at peace.  The inner pain is real and confusing and intense.  I don’t think I have anyone I can really tell.  I’m scared that someone will tell.  And I want this to happen so much.  Pretty soon I will start writing my good bye letters.