Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I go to work and pretend to be happy. It takes so much energy; energy I don’t have. I work on the house the spare time I have. I’m exhausted. Plain down right exhausted. I know my husband is too. I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, and I’m not sure how to get back to a point where I can cope again. I can’t keep going down this path. I’m scared and feel completely alone. Like if tomorrow I died no one would care. I mean as long as bills are paid off, then what’s the point of me sticking around? And in less than 400 days insurance will pay for suicidal deaths. That’s the only thing that gets me through the day. In less than 400 days I can kill myself and my husband will be better off without me. He can use the money to pay for the house for all the debts. It will be a clean slate for him.
I don’t know where to turn. Or rather, I don’t know what the purpose in turning to anyone is. I mean if I tell someone they are only going to try to stop me. I see no point in that. Maybe the only help I am looking for right now is just how to make it to that magical date. How do I cope until I don’t have to anymore? The issue is I’m not sure I can ask a counselor that and not get hospitalized. And am afraid of being judged by a priest. My “friends” either don’t have time for me or are tired of “helping” me. Even my online friends seem tired of me. I know I have to accept this is the way things will have to be. I just don’t know if I have enough strength to do that right now. I just want everything to stop; and I don’t really care how. I want to wake up with no pain. I know that seems selfish, but I just can’t take this anymore.
2 comments:
Please know that you are not alone. I care about you and am praying for you. Your husband would be so sad without you. It would hurt him so much. Please know that there are people out there who really care about you. They may not know how to express it, or how much pain you are in, but they do care. Don't be afraid of being judged - there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting help. Especially if it prevents the worst.
Please feel free to email me day or night. I am here for you, if you need someone to talk to:
AngelOfTheMorning2011@gmail.com
-Nicole
I'm praying for you. I don't have the right words, maybe, but it always pays to hear it again: You're not alone. You're worth living, and loving. I'd bet hard money your husband agrees. Talk to someone, anyone, to start. Talk to a priest. The truth from a religious point of view may be a lot easier, a lot more hopeful, to hear than you think. Offer your suffering up in tandem with our Jesus's suffering on the cross, for your family or friends or for others who suffer. It will give even your bad days dignity and hope. You are loved and encouraged.
~Josh~
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