I’ve picked the date. I’ve struggled with this for a long time. And I know I’m doing the right thing this time.
I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides. That’s $300,000 my husband could use. Alive, I am worth nothing to no one. Literally no one cares whether I’m alive. Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy. I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him. The money from my death.
If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth. If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best. I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills. And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways.
My original suicide plan from college remains the same. Starvation. I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now.
A year and a half … that’s a lot of time. I wish it were here now though. But I have to wait for my husband’s sake. If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago. But, alas, I didn’t. And now I’m miserable for another year and a half. This is it though, the final date. I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months. I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say.
I’ve thought about going back to a counselor. Most seem frustrated with me. I’m not easily “fixed”. People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it. And I’m not easily comforted. I cry alone. I am alone. And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me. I really want it this time. I’m sorry for being weak.
1 comments:
I admire your consideration. You're willing to sacrifice yourself to better the lives of the people you love, financially.
I've read some of your posts, and all I hear is how much your life sucks and how much better you'd feel dead. I know the feeling, but I realized how selfish it was. Do you realize how much grief your family is going to go through if you kill yourself? That's something no one can get over. I know. Yeah, you'd be giving your husband money he needs, but it's blood money. I can't imagine him using that money and not feeling guilty that you had to kill yourself for him to use it. I couldn't take that money.
Three of my best friends are suicidal right now. It wouldn't just kill them if they succeeded in their plans, it would kill me. How could I live with myself that I couldn't be there for them, and that these people I love are gone by their own hands? It would haunt me for the rest of my life. I cry now just thinking about it.
Life is hard and it sucks. It may never get better--you're right about that. But all I ask is that you stop and think about the people who will be affected by your death and the trauma they'll face. Think about someone besides yourself.
I used to prefer being alone because there was no one looking over my shoulder, but I just got more and more depressed. Once I started living for others, I got better. It helps pull you out--but it doesn't fix anything. Eventually you have to live for yourself again, but that boost can make the difference. Helping others gives you a feeling of purpose. You may not get the recognition you want, but it's more than you're getting alone. Plus, if you live for others, it's harder to imagine killing yourself. People are counting on you.
If you ever want someone to talk to, I'd love to listen. I know you're a stranger to me, but I hear what you're saying and I care that you make it through this. If you do end up committing suicide, it should at least be for the right reasons.
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