battling depression

It's Christmas time, but I don't really feel like I'm in a Christmas mood. I work and work and I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels here, at home, everywhere. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I'm just plain miserable. I've always felt this way, no matter where I go, but this place especially. I'm at a lower level than what I'm used to, so therefore that's a freebie for people to treat me like crap. And why the heck not? It's not like I'm important to anyone. I'm not here for a while; heck just reassign myself. I doubt whether anyone would even notice.

I'm feeling really down again. I want to die so badly; and I know no one would care. Well except when bills come due every month. I feel like no one listens Ito me. I say something, and people just ignore it. I'm to the point now where no matter how much I want to comment on something; it's just easier if I not say anything at all. Even if people do listen to me, it's just long enough to tell me whatever I just said was wrong. Now, if someone else brought up the same thing again, by all means they are brilliant, and I'm still stupid. I feel caught; like I'm just here taking up space and air. I'm invisible. And I hurt.

Polite people might ask me how I'm doing. I might say ok. But I'm not. What am I supposed to say; life sucks and I want to die? I think telling the truth in this case isn't going to help me any, and only make me feel worse in the long run. Just nod and smile and pretend everything is ok. That's what "normal" people do, right? I guess I'll be ok with just being normal for once.

I've thought about going back to counseling, but again, what am I supposed to do, argue with the counselor about whether or not life is worth living. Why is it that I want to die, so that makes me insane, totally stupid, "crazy". When a cancer patient wants to die, oh well people understand that. They are in pain. And the struggles I go through don't constitute pain. I'm just some weird person who can't be happy right.

I've started a countdown until I can kill myself. Isn't that horrible? I guess I can kill myself any time, five minutes from now, five decades from now. I'm wanting life insurance to help out my husband though; that way he can lead a comfortable life without having to have me alive. At least my life, and therfore death, will have served some purpose; providing for my husband.

I've learned something lately. Seems like the less I try to interact with people, the better I feel. Yes, I'm very lonely. And I long for someone just to comfort me while I cry. But I don't have to worry about whether or not someone will think I'm crazy. Or make fun of me. Or worse yet, betray me. So I go on, alone, afraid, but on some level "safe". Go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.