Today I start back to counseling. Let me back track and go over why I am going to counseling. Around Christmas my husband and sister got into it. He didn't approve of her boyfriend, so he confronted her about it. Well that didn't go good, and she ended up crying hysterically and I took up for her. My husband got ticked, and so we left my parent's to go home early. Well, on the way home, he brought up that he wanted a divorce. Why... well we don't like to do the same things... I don't love him... we don't spend much time together. After I reassured him that I love him and enjoy doing things together with him, he kept insisting on divorce. With that, I asked him what the real reason for wanting a divorce was... was he wanting to try to be with someone else. Which pissed him off even more. So I told him if he wanted a divorce he had to go to marital counseling with me. So he agreed. Well two weeks later I was still trying to contact counselors and get an appointment set up. He got on to me again... saying he wanted a divorce and I wasn't doing enough to get a counselor. So I started calling counselor again, and got an appointment. Well now that an appointment was set up he doesn't want to go. I'm the one with the probelm after all, right. And I should be able to talk to him about everything. So since I'm not talking to him about everything and wanting to go to a counsleor, I'm a horrible person. I'm supposed to talk to him about stuff. I know he is going through so much at work, and I don't want to bother him. Plus I don't want my depression to be compared to his. He keeps saying he wishes I would talk to him more. I wish I could talk to anyone more. It's always been a weakness.
So I'm going to my appointment. Alone. And scared. And no idea how much to tell the counselor. How much can I tell the counselor and not be hospitalized? Everything is so overwhelming right now. I have no idea even where to start when the counselor asks tonight how I'm doing... or even why I'm there. I'm depressed. Deeply. And right now, I have no idea whether I even want help to get better. I want help to take the edge off for the next 6 or 7 months. Until I can actually do "something" about the feelings.
I'm highly considering making this my first appointment back ... and the last one. If my going to a counselor causes my husband so much grief and upsets him so much, it isn't worth it to me. It isn't worth it to make him feel bad about yet another thing. Especially when ultimately the outcome will be the same. The only difference is that at least the last couple of months won't be as stressing. I honestly feel in a catch-22... damned if I do... damned if I don't... and still depressed.
